"I'm in here, can anybody see me?"

Not many people read my blog...which...is not entirely unexpected...and doesn't bother me at all..or that's what I thought...well, not to the point where I actually blog about it.

It was meant to be a personal space where I could
store random blah-blahs worth storing (time will tell if it's worth the effort). What is weird is the fact that not many people read what I write..is beginning to bother me (?)

I mean... it shouldn't...I mean what kind of loser would that make me? And before anyone jumps to conclusions about me being an attention whore, I'd like to make it absolutely clear that I'm not (although blogging is actually all about being that).. I just write whatever it is that I can't make sense of or would like to make sense of. And I couldn't make sense of this..

Why do we want to be seen? Get noticed? I've always been asocial, I prefer to be alone, do my thing...get over with it...move on...you gettin' me? And although I can converse and entertain people, but the farce can't last forever...eventually, the pretence or the effort to fit in despite knowing that I wouldn't be able to, gets too much and I stop doing it, leaving a lot of people confused and me wondering whether what I did was right.

Why is it then, that despite knowing who I am, being aware of the choices I make for myself, that I still find myself wanting to fit in again?

I know a lot of psychology and philosophy and science is involved with respect to the desire to get noticed or be acknowledged at the very least.. And I'd love to know about those theories if someone cares enough to post a comment. Or a few?

See what I mean?

Perception matters. Not only to the one perceiving, but also the one being perceived (need I mention Schrödinger's cat?). Another example would be those fishes I have put up on the top of my blog...despite there being 4 white ones, the eye inevitably follows the black one. (I really don't know if it's relevant, but I wanted to write it down anyway). [thinking about the red "o" are we?]

So, what should I do to be the Black fish ? Write about how well my non-existent garden is blooming? That amazing after-party (that never happened because..for that..first...you need a party)? Or maybe the stuff that really matters and there are people who do write about what matters and make an impact.. and to be honest it does make me a little jealous. Makes me wish I could have a life so difficult that people would be amazed that I made it this far. Makes me wish I could have original pics of me climbing K2 or hugging a lion...But that's not how my life is at the moment. I am in no way implying that what people blog about doesn't matter. It matters to them and the ones to whom it matters. 

What I am saying is - Nothing matters. Or. Everything does.

I find existence pointless and what we perceive to be "real"... Vague, unpredictable and contradictory.

But that's how it is..."Maktub" as the Alchemist put it....and there's slim chance that it'll change...ever...

In the meanwhile, I'll go staple that Red "NOTICE ME" tag to my forehead to add some spice to the remarkably unremarkable, uneventful life of the human I possess.