It is what it is - brutal, kind, devious, beautiful. Nature IS.

I know it's weird and very unlike me...but I'm feeling really down and depressed at not being able to do that surgery today...I can't even imagine what the surgeons feel like when they lose a patient..I've seen them.they put up a brave face..say it's all upto god or science or something that makes them feel at ease..but I could sense their sadness, the look in their eyes, their composure, even while they were smiling as if it was just another day. I don't think I'll ever understand..but still..after today...I feel so incompetent..it's pathetic that I should feel this way over such a thing....on top of that the rat had to die because I took too long for one side and although it was alive and I could've done the other side as well, the lab closed and..I had to sacrifice it.. And I didn't like the way it kept squirming and looking at me..Why can't they give a better anaesthetic? No..that's not right..It's so typical of me to put the blame on others. They're doing it right..it was me who took too long...

I knew this stream would be a bit difficult for me because of this but I can't give up just because it's tough or people hate me or whatever..
Grrrr.......I know this post is lame! GO AWAY!

I know... I know I can't figure it out myself..I am a doctor's son, I've never had problems at the sight of blood or flesh wounds or death..Dad even showed me surgery videos and unlike other 7 year olds I didn't have a problem at all..nothing! (he did tell me that he'd turn it off if it got too much, but it was I who asked him to show them in the first place)

And it's not like I feel sad or bad while performing the surgery, it's not logical to think that way..science demands that..Hell! I had a chat with a classmate today about biology & ethics today..before the prac..and I was all pro science & the sacrifices it requires..I mean what is the life of a rat after all? And here I am at the end of the day contradicting myself..

I guess deep within my subconscious, I really don't like killing despite knowing it is the way of things...
Surprised? me too..I hate humans and often everything that exists..almost ALL the time..because it makes no sense..I don't know...Maybe it's because I'm too attached to animals..because of my pets...to be honest according to Mother Nature's rule book...you eat what you kill or kill what's trying to kill you.

And it makes sense because predators have to be prudent about how much energy they spend in order to catch their prey, same goes for the threatened prey..if they can frighten it off by some mechanism, there's no need to kill..it saves precious energy..which is hard to obtain in the natural world living under nature's domain (unlike humans who although aren't exempted, they definitely have it easy). You live. You die. So what is the point of being upset about a lab rat? or all the animals that we kill everyday? or all the organisms that kill us everyday? or all the humans who kill each other everyday?

Science messes all that up..leaves me in a daze of uncertainty and vagueness that defines my existence on this mortal plane.. So, in a way I do find science stupid..doesn't make sense..reality is harsh and what I experience is nothing at all compared to what people go through or have gone through..So, if science is defined by logic and judgement..which in turn are defined by neural biochemistry..where does that leave EQ? What we feel and our emotional responses are also defined by the same thing..

As for guilt..I don't feel guilty..AT ALL...
Don't get me wrong..if anything or anyone attacks me or if I need to kill for whatever reasons.. I'd kill without a second thought without feeling any guilt....It's just that I don't understand the way things are..If I could I'd cut off the part that governs my feelings and emotions, I would..they're way too complicated for me to understand and there are too many voices and opinions inside my head along with those outside on the physical plane..i.e. people..I don't feel guilt. but I'm not a sadist either. IDK...it's weird...If one word could describe me it'd be - uncertain.
haha..it's funny though..the way I become all philosophical when I'm down. Coping mechanism I guess. Don't judge me but this one had to be posted on my blog from a facebook post..these are drifting thoughts i need catalogued after all..

Hopefully, It'd be better next time...after all my cat Goddess Heeba would be disappointed at me for being such a wimpy mush...she certainly has no qualms taking time playing with her prey and I don't interfere either..

It's a weird superstition I have but I think it brings bad luck to interfere when a predator and a prey are dancing to the ancient tunes of life & death.
(p.s. I know neko cat gifs don't really compliment with the theme of the blog but..it'd be even more depressing if I didn't)